Fred Thompson Uber Alles

Poor Fred Thompson. He has the presidency of the United States wrapped up if only (A) he can get the Republican nomination and (B) Hillary Clinton fails to get the Democratic nomination.

Thompson is a literal giant among presidential candidates. He stands almost six foot six inches in height. Were he running against any of the male Democrats so far boring the world, Thompson would win easily under the workings of de Yonge’s Law of Hair and Height.

That law states–please note the subtle wording–that the candidate who seems the taller will win. None of the men Democrats even come close to Thompson in towering, physically, that is. Thompson not only seems taller; he is taller and will look so on television, where tallness counts when it comes to setting off instinctive responses among the voters.

The matter of the candidate appearing the tallest winning the presidential election remains untested, however, if Hillary Clinton receives the Democratic nod and becomes the first woman to run for the presidency as a major-party candidate.

If a Clinton-Thompson contest occurs, the scientists among us will tease the results to yield many, many papers of deep sociology to publish in such learned journals as The National Review and The Nation about whether de Yonge’s Law also applies to females.

Thompson, of course, while interesting to talk about theory, is unlikely to be the Republican candidate simply because he also appears to be incompetent, as a campaigner and as a thinker.

Chaos stirred by his wife characterizes his political campaign. Aside from a few gags that awaken the reporters condemned to covering the now-endless presidential campaign purgatory, Thompson has contributed zero to the so-called debate with other Republican worthies. If there is a bad idea, Thompson has embraced it with gusto, but that hardly distinguishes him from Rudy Giuliani and the rest.

Whoever other than Thompson the Republicans manage to fish out of the lake of banalities central to their mindset, if that person runs against Clinton, an interesting test will otherwise occur of de Yonge’s Law.

The second half of the law states that if two presidential candidates appear to be equally tall, then the candidate that seems to have the most hair will win.

Having a woman in the race with a considerable head of hair not only is a new thing but genetically might bestow upon women candidates over time, whenever matters of height are more or less equal, a leg up in winning, since many male candidates–John McCain, for instance–cannot compete in hirsuteness. Balding is a curse in presidential politics.

In that respect, the law does not discount for wearing a toupee or a wig, since appearing to have the most hair is what matters deep within the brains of the electorate, responding as they are to an evolutionary device, no doubt selected during millions of years of fighting with cave bears and tigers, that regards height first and hair second as signs of the savior. (Can you imagine a bald Jesus creating a religion?)

If Mrs. Clinton fails to get the nomination, then whoever wins out of the mob of lackluster Democratic male candidates will compete with one of the Republican con men. De Yonge’s law will function in its full scientific glory, and millions of Americans will make their ordinary enlightened choice based on unconscious feelings.