New Air Screwum Fares and Fees Announced

Air Screwum today announced new fares and fees for its nationwide services-- prices bound, its officials said, to be copied by the rest of the nation’s domestic airlines.

“We learned from the oil companies that the best way to make money in the airline business is to conspire,” said Jocko Jacks, founder, president, CEO, CFO and CUB (Chief Union Buster) of Air Screwum.

“And the easiest way for airlines to do that, without talking about it other than at cocktail parties, is to rotate being first to raise fares and fees, thus avoiding the possibility of federal price-fixing indictments. Of course so long a Republican sits in the White House there’s no chance of that happening anyway, but it’s better to keep up the practice than lose your skills.”

Jacks said the only way to view the new Air Screwum fares is to go to Screwum.com, where daily fare changes post each morning beginning at 6 a.m. EST.

“Mainly, thanks to the excuse of rising oil prices, we intend to double our fares by the end of summer.”

He also had flunkies at the press conference handout a sheet of new boarding and onboard fees for all tourist-class passengers:

–To check one bag: $50.

–To check on bag with a bomb: $500.

–Each carry-on bag (no bigger than a shaving kit under new rules): $25.

–Each use of flight attendant to cram a carry-on bag into a space too small: $25.

–Each seat with leg room: $50.

–Each aisle seat: $50, no matter with leg room or not.

–Each seat without a fat person sitting next to it: $100.

–Each use of a toilet: $10.

–Each pee in a toilet: $5.

–Each crap in a toilet: $10.

–Each sheet of toilet paper: $1.

–Each use of soap: $1.

–Each towel: $1.

–Each fart, whether in toilet or in seat, as measured by computerized Fart-O-Meters: $2.

–Each cup of water: $5.

–Each cup of coffee: $7.

–Each peanut (individually packaged): $1.

–Each 100-calorie meal: $10.

–Each heart attack: $1,000.

–Each resuscitation by electric shocker : $5,000 (paid in advance by cash or credit card).

–Each resuscitation by mouth-to-mouth: $10,000, in advance.

–Each hijacking: $1 million, paid before boarding, cash only, Euros only or Saudi oil futures.

–Each last will and testament: $10,000 if on standard flight-deck forms.

–Each in-flight prayer: $50, if Christian; $1 million if Moslem or other.

–Each drink of hard liquor: (Please ask attendants for daily price, minimum $15).

“There are other fees we’ve had to raise to keep ourselves solvent and to keep fuel tanks full enough to get each flight to an airport, even if it’s not the one you want,” Jacks said.

He said there will no cost for sitting for hours on a delayed flight. “We looked at that,” he said, “but couldn’t come up with a good figure for each breath of stale air. We will be charging in the future, though, for each rage by passengers crazed by claustrophobia, high temperatures, lack of air, water and toilets.”

“People make a lot out of little things,” Jack said, “an each attendant they beat up costs us money. So we’re going to have to charge for that.”

Air Screwum’s stock price advanced 40 percent today on Wall Street upon Jacks’ announcement.